More like Shite Terrrors.

Crikey, that was bad. Like a cross between Fear Her and The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances, but with none of the sense of fear that typified the latter or… well, I didn’t really like Fear Her, so that probably just about fits. Considering that Mark Gatiss loves horror movies so much, how was he able to make something so non-scary? The only thing that even came close to being scary was the man-turning-into-wood thing, but even that wasn’t nearly as scary as the transformation sequences in Empty Child.

That the scares weren’t scary was one big problem with the episode. Strip out the ‘spooooooky’ elements, and we’re left with something closer to a cross between The Rebel Flesh/The Almost People and The Curse of the Black Spot -that is to say, the people-as-aliens stuff (here thankfully confined to the father’s worrying about his son’s being an alien*) from the former and the coma-inducing tedium of the latter. Unfortunately, I was too busy laughing at the writer and director’s clunky attempts to scare the audience to fall asleep.

Though the actors gave good accounts** and Gatiss’ writing wasn’t as awful as it might have been***, the episode still falls down otherwise in the ideas area. The alien that the child is isn’t really explained or expanded upon in any real depth or detail – in a way, the whole thing feels like it takes place in a bubble just separated from the big events of the series. When’s Miracle Day happening, anyway? Sometime in 2011, and if I remember the timings of this episode, this is also sometime in 2011. Hmm. Maybe they just missed it.

While detachment, taking a minute from big, universe-ending calamities to tell a small story about a scared child (who’s actually an alien) can potentially work very well – though neither this nor Fear Her, the last episode to try this, did, I found this episode too dull to pass muster. Not to mention the second episode in a row where people are shrunk and find themselves inside a simulacrum of something the usual occupants of which have become a defence mechanism. Not that I’m suggesting they’re running out of ideas.

I probably wouldn’t have noticed had this been third in the series, swapped with The Curse of the Black Pearl Spot, as it was apparently intended to. I think that’s what sums up the episode, for me. Dispensable. Interchangeable.  Had you taken the ‘The Doctor Is Going To Die’ monitor shot off the end and had Eyepatch lady leering through a hole in the wall (bring on the wall!) in the middle, I wouldn’t have noticed the difference. I’ve said before that the Moff’s way of doing things punishes this sort of episode, but in all honesty, Night Terrors isn’t good enough as it is. Neither fish nor fowl nor scary nor particularly interesting. But next week, we have Old Amy! Space diseases! Other Stuff! Who knows what’ll happen? See you then!

(On the other hand – and this is my big caveat to everything above – I might not have been too bothered by the ‘ooh, scary’ stuff, but I’m a cynical 18-year-old, of the sort who are meant to scoff at such things. When I next get the opportunity, I’ll find out what some actual children 0this episode’s target audience – thought of it, because though I might have found it interminable, it wasn’t for me. Who knows, it might be their Empty Child. If this turns out to be a big hit with the kidz, whatever I thought, it’ll have done its job.)

*I’ll say this for it – the dialogue is much better than ‘But who are the real monsters’. By the way, was anyone impressed I managed to get through my Let’s Kill Hitler review without any footnotes?

**of admittedly dull characters – ‘scared child’, ‘unpleasant landlord’ ‘angry father’ and ‘old lady’ being all the personality they were given.

***While I remain unconvinced of his ability to either write Doctor Who or act, I rather liked Nebulous, his Radio 4 comedy programme.