I honestly thought that we’d seen the last of the Russell T. Davies era, but no, apparently it lives on through Chris ‘im a riter’ Chibnall, a man so obnoxiously devoid of storytelling ability he burns through clichés with a speed that would put those Silurian tongues to shame (or homo lizard, or whatever the hell we’re calling them now. Join me as we venture into the depths of the Earth, and as usual, spoilers from the beginning.


So. It wasn’t very good. How not very good? Well, definitely the worst episode we’ve seen this series. The last episode was bad, don’t get me wrong, but this takes it to another level. To call it ghastly would be an understatement. Ghastly is a glass of water compared to the ocean of inconsistent, asinine, clichéd balderdash this episode vomits forth from the screen. Chibnall doesn’t seem to have written the episode, just assembled it from the Doctor Who Comic Maker thing on the website, and gone to the production team ‘make this’.

At the end of the first episode, the Doctor and Meera Syal were at the bottom of the earth looking for Amy (who was about to be dissected by a scientist, this fact clearly signalled by his wearing a lab coat and a surgical mask) and Moe, and the kid, about whom the only thing I can remember is his dyslexia. Now, here we have the ‘something-bad’s-about-to-happen-but-oh-no-wait-it-isn’t’ used for the first but certainly not the last time in the episode, where the scientist is called away to turn a switch which makes the Doctor pull some funny faces. Here we establish the dynamic that the scientist is The Good Guy, and the warrior lady is The Evil Aggressor. They’re essentially characterising these Silurians as any given Star Trek race with a caste system.

So, it turns out that Ambrose (seriously, isn’t that a man’s name?) is a little distressed about her son and husband being trapped underground, and after shouting at poor old Rory, she decides to vent her anger by tasering their captive Silurian to death. Now forgive me if I’m being a little bit silly, but why does she think this is the best course of action, given that she’s a) been told make sure no harm comes to her by the Doctor, b) trying to get the Silurian to tell her about the venom poisoning her father, and c) got a son and husband deep beneath the earth, probably the captive of some Silurians, and their captive may just be a useful bargaining chip? Seriously, this is quite possibly the worst decision that could be made at this juncture. Then, to make things worse, the evil angry Silurian appears on a screen which doesn’t seem to be connected to anything demanding that she be allowed to see their captive. Until she loses patience about three seconds later and orders her soldiers to kill all the humans… at which point the screen cuts out, and a wise elder statesman Silurian (here signified by his wearing a robe) strides in, tells angry military to cut the shit, and then we have a bizarre protracted scene in which we’re expected to believe that Meera Syal and Amy Pond are bargaining with this guy over how the planet should be divided up. This scene doesn’t just make no sense out of context, it makes next to no sense in context! What…? Why…?

Anyway, at this point the dad decides he’s sick of this and heads off to find his son, who’s being kept in suspended animation, with a weird drip thing attached to his face which makes it look like he’s being assimilated by the Borg or something. As he was being taken out of the chamber, Dominic said “Do you think the Silurians cured him of his dyslexia?” It was the most entertaining thing I’d heard all episode. As my uncle Stephen later commented to me though, it is the sort of thing Chris Chibnall would think was a good idea. Then we switch to the surface again, where, as if she hadn’t screwed up badly enough by tasering their captive to death, Ambrose decides to double down on idiotic bullshit by guilt-tripping her father into time-delaying the drill activation, presumably to use as a bargaining chip, but in practice it just serves as yet another (another) countdown, and we must have had one of those in damn near every episode in the series – even in this two-parter’s first half. I don’t know if the writers have forgotten how to make their scripts exciting or something, but they’re treating the crutch of a clock ticking down as a chair, and it’s not designed for that, and may break if they continue to use it in that fashion.

Talking of unbearably predictable clichés, the angry military leader stages a mini-coup, with a loyal cadre of troops, in which they kill the nice scientist because, well, they’re evil. It’s what they do. Then we get a lot of running, some standing around in a room and talking, some manufactured emotion, gas attacks, and then we get to a crack, for what seems like the first time in ages. Apparently the magic erase-o-power of the light is very selective, and so when the Doctor stick his arm in and has a good ol’ rummage, he’s fine, but when Rory’s feet are just a little too close…

Well, we knew Rory was going to leave (or rather, this was the actor’s last episode), but actually, this was the only half-decent (or interesting) bit in the entire episode… and it was essentially that bit from Flesh and Stone again, but with someone you give a damn about. Talk about a clichéd death – the bad guy lying on the floor just finds the energy to shoot, and Rory jumps in the way to save the Doctor. Still, well done for having the balls to dispose of him like that, and double well-done for having an excuse not to have Amy moping for the next few episodes. The hill thing returned (my shoes stay where they are), and the event sets up the potential for some interesting situations if the Doctor can remember and Amy can’t. Also, what happened to the engagement ring? I saw it fall off the console… The other interesting thing was that there was the intimation that it was the TARDIS which exploded. Which could make next series jolly interesting… Anyway, the episode was terrible. Must do better. Never let Chris Chibnall write another episode. Get the Moff to write it all himself. Next week, we have Richard Curtis, and Bill Nighy (who is to Curtis as Johnny Depp is to Tim Burton) with Van Gogh vs a monster we only glimpse for budget reasons. I can hardly wait.
Over and out.