Much as I enjoy JJ Abrams’ new Star Trek movie, there are several ‘issues’ I have with the film. It’s a very entertaining romp, but, in accordance with my picky nature, I’ve highlighted some of the most glaring plot holes after the jump.

1. The Starship Kelvin: if the Narada, the Vulcan ship can wipe out a fleet-load of starships with no problem just before the Enterprise arrives at Vulcan, then why does it have such a problem dealing with one starship which is twenty-five years older and, as I recall, a science vessel, not a ship designed for fighting. Why couldn’t they have, say, blown it out of the sky before Kirk’s father flew it into the heart of the ship, which apparently messed it up to a sufficient degree that it took them twenty-five years(!) to get their shit and do enough planning that they came up with a terrible plan which was foiled by a bunch of cadets who, despite the fact that they seem to have a problem getting the fucking ship to warp speed, seem to be able to skydive onto something very small, engage in a swordfight, and break the drill by shooting it a little bit!

2. The Drill: If this magical red matter stuff can just create what amounts to an instant black hole, then why do the Romulans need to drill to the core of the planet? Surely launching at the surface of the planet would do the trick? Also, why does this drill have to be lowered on a preposterously flimsy platform-thing, why were there a few Romulans waiting at the bottom (where, I may remind you, all that fire is), and why couldn’t the Enterprise just have fired on it, if it was going to be that problematic? The Romulans would have noticed the phasers, but not the three sky-divers with all that future-tech of theirs? And when Spock finally does just that… were there literally no ships at all left at Earth? No shuttles, no runabouts, no small defence craft, no…nothing? At all?

3. Red Matter: Speaking of, I’m aware that physics in Star Trek aren’t exactly ‘realistic’, but what’s going on with the Red Matter? It seems that one minute, it generates magic planet-destroying singularities which swallow themselves(?) and the next, it creates a time portal which, as far as I can see, is also a black hole(??) and (by the way, since that last one used up all the Red Matter, shouldn’t it be that much bigger than all the others? Just a thought) the way that the Enterprise escapes it’s gravitational pull at the end, when it’s pulling the ship into it, is to eject the engines (well, the warp cores) and create an explosion which is finely balanced enough that it doesn’t destroy the ship, but merely propels them out of harms’ way, and they then proceed to warp back to Earth(???)?

4.Vulcan: Again, drawing from Point 2, The Narada goes to Vulcan and starts drilling (not sure why, but OK, let’s roll with it). The Vulcans call for help to Starfleet. Now, as far as I can remember, the Vulcans had warp speed for quite a bit longer than us, and presumably at this point still have better tech. While I’m willing to buy that the bulk of their fleet is elsewhere, do they have none of their ships even close? They would probably have had a much better chance taking out the Narada than anyone else.

5.The Narada: While I’m on the subject of the Narada, what is going on with that ship? I can buy that it’s huge, it’s a mining vessel, it’s got to carry whatever it’s mining, but who’s idea was it to outfit it with (what seems like) a colossal arsenal which can wipe out fleets with ease? I could buy a few future-tech defenses, and perhaps they could outclass the past-ships with those, but they seem to have more missiles than should really be consigned to a ship captained by a psychotic madman. I know the Romulans are meant to be the ‘emotional’ counterparts to the Vulcans, but ‘psychotic’ would seem to be more like it!

6. Warp Speed: In this film, warp speed seems to amount to (and I’m going to have to confess to stealing this turn of phrase from a correspondent on Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo’s film review show on BBC Five Live) the speed of plot, rather than at some sort of set speed.

7.Away Team: This isn’t specifically a problem with the film, but with Star Trek in general: why do they think it’s a good idea to always send senior crew members on away teams?

…I did really like the film though!
Podcast review tomorrow, I promise! I had to dig up something I wrote a little while ago but never published just because I’m really tired after going to watch the pantomime (oh no I’m not)